I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Randomize
