he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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