Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
