And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
