I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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