I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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