im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
