Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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