It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
