I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
