I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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