we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
