hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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