I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
