I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
