it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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