Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
