last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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