i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize