Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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