Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
