Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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