i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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