He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
