woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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