I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
