Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
