There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
