So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
