oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
