did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
