yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize