This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
