Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
