What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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