I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
