Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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