Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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