you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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