i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
