So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
