I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
