I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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