i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
not ubering you a puppy
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
