My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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