My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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