Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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