I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
