Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
