so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
