Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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