shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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