pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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