If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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