I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Pants are for mortals
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
