I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
