Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
